An old man sits on a park bench beside his grandson feeding crumbs to the
pigeons.
His grandson is reading a book.
Grandpa: What seems to be troublin' ya, son?
Grandson: I've got a test tomorrow, Grandpa.
Grandpa: A test...(becomes excited) On what?
Grandson: Oh...uh, on the Revolutionary War.
Grandpa: Oh, on the ol' war huh... I can tell you
more about the war than that dagblasted book
can... Heck, I was there.
Grandson: No, you weren't.
Grandpa: Why, me and Washington...
Grandson: (interrupts) Who?
Grandpa: George Washington... Anyway, me and George fought side by side.
Grandson: I didn't know that you were in any war, or even a fight for that matter.
Grandpa: Yeah, the war was bad... When we ran out of ammo we had to learn to kill a man
with
our chewing gum... Or call hin dirty names until he gave up.
Grandson: Grandpa, I'm talking about the Revolutionary War. (closes his book and looks
at his
grandfather rather puzzled)
Grandpa: What do you think I'm talking about?... Only we called it the War of 1976.
Grandson: What?...
Grandpa: It was hard fighting those Bluecoats...(mutters) Nazi bastards.
Grandson: Grandpa, I think that you are talking about World War II.
Grandpa: What do you think I'm talking about?
Grandson: The war...as in Revolutionary War.
Grandpa: Yeah, that too...
Grandson: (slaps his forehead)Geez!
Grandpa: Why, I fought many a battle in that war... Gettsburg, Waterloo... Tet Offensive. Yes,
sir. And the weather was terrible. At Valley Forge it was hot!... Damned hot.
Grandson: It snowed at Valley Forge.
Grandpa: What? Where did you hear that?
Grandson: Right here.(open his book and points to a page)
Grandpa: (shifts his glasses and leans over to read from the book) What kind of crap are they
teaching you in school? I think I should have a talk with your teacher about that.
Grandson: Mrs. O'Donovan? (long pause)
Grandpa: No, General O'Donovan! We used to play cards together when the Vietcong weren't
shooting at us.
Grandson: Viet- Who?!!!
Grandpa: Viet-What?... what are you talking about?
Grandson: The Vietcong, you said Vietcong!
Grandpa: No I didn't... I said the Redcoats led by General Napoleon Grant.
Grandson: Don't you mean General Grant and Emperor Napoleon?
Grandpa: General Grant...isn't he...isn't he the Secretary or Defense? And this Napoleon
fellow...isn't he one of those cult leaders?...You're in a cult? Aren't you?
Grandson: No, I'm in history class learning about the Revolutionary War!
Grandpa: Well, no grandson of mine is going to fight in a war. I don't care what the man at the
draft board says.
Grandson: Grandpa, I'm twelve!
Grandpa: My God! it must be a bad war!...
Grandson: Grandpa, we're not in a war right now.
Grandpa: Like hech! They're taking twelve-year-olds in the draft.
Grandson: No, they're not!
Grandpa: They're taking my grandson!
Grandson: No! I'm your grandson.
Grandpa: What!
Grandson: I'm your grandson.
Grandpa: Of course your're my grandson.
Grandson: And there is no war.
Grandpa: War?
Grandson: Good answer.
Grandpa: What answer?
Grandson: Your question.
Grandpa: My question is an answer?
Grandson: Yep.
Grandpa: I had a question?
Grandson: Yep.
Grandpa: What was my question?
Grandson: War.
Grandpa: Who?
Grandson: War.
Grandpa: We're at war with the Russians?! Commie back stabbers.
Grandson: No, we were...We were at war with the British.
Grandpa: Oh, so the Commies and the Brits are ganging up on us...I always thought that Winston
Churchill looked a little suspicious.
Grandson: Winston who?
Grandpa: Winston...Winston cigarettes, ever had one?
Grandson: Grandpa, I'm twelve... Besides we...
Grandpa: Well, we used to smoke Winstons back during the war.
Grandson: Which?
Grandpa: The only war I've ever been in... The one where they used that there mayonnaise gas.
Grandson: Mayonnaise gas...that would explain it.
Grandpa: Explain what?
Grandson: Nothing...
Grandpa: ...Oh yeah, like I was saying...In the war we didn't have hardly a thing to eat. But when
we finally found something, usually a Moosehound or a Bassetelk, we had to cook it
by fire from one of the napalm bombs.
Grandson: Moose-what? Bass...isn't that a fish?
Grandpa: Quit interrupting me,boy I'm trying to teach you a thing or five.
Grandson: Sorry.(rolls his eyes)
Grandpa: Yeah, I remember the smell of napalm...I loved the smell of napalm...Especially in the
morning. (sniffs the air)...Can you smell it?...God, I love that smell.
Grandson: (sniffs) All I smell are your Depends.
Grandpa: (stands and scans the sky) Zeros!!! Zeros all around!(begins to get excited)
Grandson: Grandpa, those are pigeons, and...quite frankly, you are beginning to scare me.
Grandpa: Hit the deck!! Ratta tat! Ratta tat!(drops to the ground)
Grandson: What are you doing?!!! I think you landed a pigeon...(A look of disgust crosses his
face) Oh, God! You did!
Grandpa: Get down! It's Charlie! He's sniping at us!
Grandson: Grandpa! Grandpa!........You're embarrassing me!
Grandpa: (calms down, gets off the groung and dusts himself off) Sorry about that...I got a little
carried away. Where was I?
Grandson: (still agitated) I don't know...And you obviously don't!
Grandpa: I always know where I am. During the war I was the navigator on a B-52. We would
fly deep into enemy territory to do dangerous bombing runs.
Grandson: That's not all that you were deep in.
Grandpa: Hey, now... Don't be contrary like that...I'm trying to help you with your test.
Grandson: (sarcastically) Sure you are.
Grandpa: Why, you're so contrary, I bet if I said "up' you'd say "down".
Grandson: Try me.
Grandpa: Okay...up.
Grandson: (mutters) Yours.
Grandpa: What?
Grandson: Nothing...
Grandpa: Well, it's got to be something.
Grandson: Nothing, something--what's the difference?
Grandpa: If something is nothing, then what's nothing? And if nothing is something and...
something is nothing, then... nothing has to be sometning. Unless,
something
is nothing and...nothing is something, then something has to be--something.
Grandson: Are you trying to be philosophical?...remember last time you got a headache.
Grandpa: Speaking of headaches, I think I've got one now... Let's go home.
The two of them get up and leave
10/29/97